State of the #SHEA part 32: I'm The Dad ("Spilled Milk")

 

After being involved in theater most of my young life, I took it as an elective my first semester at college (my major was over in the Journalism/Mass Communication building). I thought there’d be plenty of non-theater majors like me in there, but it turned out to be me, a business major who dropped out quickly, and an East Indian student who said he was there because he was “searching for his nirvana.” The rest were young, enthusiastic THEATER MAJORS (put in all caps for a reason). One of them you might even have heard of-- Jeremy Piven, best known for his work on the TV series Entourage-- but he fled the Midwest university life after a couple years to study in New York. Seems to have worked for him.

Why is she telling me all this…??  OK, I’ll get to that now.

I stuck with the class, and kinda sort of earned some respect from my hard-core classmates because I could hold my own with them in a scene… but my weak spot was improvisation. I’d become too inhibited over time; it was no longer fun. And one improv exercise I remember well was when two students took the floor and were given a single line of dialogue, with the goal of creating an entire small scene by finding different ways to communicate the same line of dialogue. “I could hurt you,” was the first line that was given. And in the space of about 90 seconds, the pair went from keeping it light (“I could hurt you?” asked sarcastically) to a gut-wrenching realization (“I… could hurt you!!” followed by a prolonged embrace) that left me thinking two things 1) Wow that got dark in a hurry, and 2) Please please don’t call on me for this exercise…

In case it’s still unclear, this memory popped to mind after the repetition of We are having a baby… a line that made its debut at the end of "Teeny Blue Eyes," then was repeated four times in "Spilled Milk." How many more times we’ll hear those exact words this season remains to be seen, but they’ve already made quite the journey of expression for one Dr. Murphy.

It wasn’t an easy episode to watch, was it? It might have even taken you back to last season’s “Fixation” episode (where Shaun’s efforts to show Lea he was capable of enough ASD-related change to sustain a relationship ended in a painful exchange on the St. B bridge), and-- fun fact-- Jessica Grasl had a hand in writing both “Fixation” AND “Spilled Milk.” Different writers are tapped for different gifts, I presume.

Don’t worry, the touching final scene of “Spilled Milk” is anything but forgotten here. But it might ultimately prove to be a momentary oasis of joy on a road to parenthood paved with gaping potholes, both ASD/NT related and otherwise. That’s what we #Shea fans signed up for, after all. We trust these two will be written to transcend their difficulties, coming back with a stronger bond each time… that doesn’t always make watching the tough times any easier, though.

It seemed like no matter how many days/weeks had passed since that scene at the end of "Teeny," Shaun was saying the same thing the same way: WE ARE HAVING A BABY. It was filled with all the wonder and amazement you might expect of a new parent-to-be, but in those early morning moments, Lea was well past that. First-trimester nausea has a way of overriding a LOT. 

Shaun got his first dose of disconnection in this scene, too, when Lea declined sex, citing his minty breath as the reason why (nausea wins again). Funny that several of us on Twitter got to seeking a mint-free alternative toothpaste for Shaun, thinking this might be the kind of episode where an easy switch like that could help resolve their issues. Yeah, not so much…

She still had her lovely imaginative wits about her, though, and “picturing Shaun’s face on a little baby blueberry” was as easy for Lea to see as it was impossible for Shaun-- that becomes clearer in their next, brief scene together in Lea’s office. “The fetus” vs. “our baby;” “the doctor” vs. “the dad.” 

Mya and Leo-- the dancers featured in “Spilled Milk”-- made quite the impression on Shaun. When he thought they were a romantic couple early in the episode, and noted Leo positioning a pillow behind Mya in her hospital bed, Shaun departed abruptly… showing up next in Lea’s office, support pillow in hand. And even after Wolke made him aware of Leo’s homosexuality, the sight of Mya and Leo dancing together still inspired him enough to try and take Lea for a spin on their own makeshift dance floor. Maybe the fear of more “sorry Shaun, I’m not in the mood” prompted to find ways to connect that even a non-sexual relationship could manage? 

Unfortunately, it was a rough time to start dance lessons with Lea (Please get back to this someday! My little #Shea heart cried out in this scene). She's going through changes right now both voluntarily-- she had a choice; she chose to keep the pregnancy going-- and involuntarily (her body’s going to change whether she’s ready for it or not). Shaun’s changes, like any prospective father, are entirely voluntary. And, for most of “Spilled Milk,” entirely resisted by Shaun. 

I didn’t expect as much #Shea as the 9-10 minutes we ultimately got in this episode-- about twice as long as usual-- but when I realized around two-thirds of that time was devoted to Shaun and Lea’s “disconnection” scenes, it made more sense. 

Part of what hurt in those two scenes was seeing such lovely efforts at connectivity go up in smoke. The dancing that was Shaun’s idea? Cut short due to Lea’s ongoing nausea. The “tummy talk” instigated by Lea? Nicely executed (once they got past Shaun’s bewildered “Talk about… what?”, but Shaun’s inability to humor Lea and pretend their in-utero child could hear quickly deflated the moment.  

And while the feelings and body language in both scenes comprised the rest of the pain we witnessed, it’s easy to overlook the fact that they both handled themselves relatively well. Shaun’s feelings were far from what Lea needed to hear, but he presented them calmly and clearly. (You could see Lea’s this-might-take-awhile sigh just after Shaun started to speak, but she still summoned enough patience to give Shaun the floor, without interruption, as long as he needed it.)

Predictably, Lea upset that portion of TGD viewers who bristle anytime she has the audacity to be anything other than a saint of a girlfriend. Why did she have to be mean? She wouldn’t dance! She called Shaun “selfish” when she’s the one who wrote the book on selfish behavior! She probably went to bed without saying “good night”! She might’ve even woken up without saying “good morning”! Why wouldn’t she, of all people, cut Shaun some slack? 

Because the relationship doesn’t work that way. It CAN’T work that way. It’s not about carrying on as a fully neurotypical couple until the partner with ASD hits a wall, then instantly giving said partner the right of way. It’s about constantly riding the nuances; knowing the difference between the controllable, the uncontrollable, and the can-be-controllable-but-it-takes-more-time-and-effort. 

Back in the office scene, Lea thought they were dealing with a relatively mild dilemma of Shaun wanting to do Doctor Things and use Doctor Terms above all else (the pillow for comfort, the non-gummy prenatal vitamins for “the fetus”). But when she told him in that scene “Be the dad, not the doctor,” I’m not sure she caught the little wave of terror that passed through his face. First he wasn’t able to connect with her physically, now he was supposed to start doing this “dad” thing months ahead of what he had mentally scheduled? 

No wonder he turned to Wolke and Glassman next. (Sure it was Wolke this time because they were working on Mya’s case together, but I’m really liking the dynamic between these two… Wolke feels Shaun’s little buddy, both literally and figuratively.) In classic Shaun style, he worked out his professional dilemma and his personal dilemma side-by-side…

with one huge caveat: he didn’t work out the personal one. He acknowledged it-- saying “I don’t like adjusting” to Wolke and Glassman’s advice that he needs to adjust-- but in getting up and walking away right afterward, his commitment to even trying to adjust wasn’t there yet.

Lea, meanwhile, has no one to turn to. We’ve brought this up again and again, but in an episode where she’s getting dumped on especially hard, it feels important to be reminded of this fact. Maybe TGD does this with the intent of illustrating how isolated the NT side of an ASD/NT relationship can be-- if so, I tend to think that’s a convenient excuse for not having to make additional room in the scripts. But with rare exceptions (like the “Teeny” scene with Claire), Lea continues to be left to her own devices when it comes to difficult navigation with Shaun.

And the problem here is that she KNOWS the “adjusting” thing falls into the controllable-with-more-time-and-effort category with Shaun, but sitting there, queasy as hell on the couch, summoning all her patience and energy to let Shaun explain himself… she doesn’t see any effort. All she hears is him complaining that SHE isn’t making enough effort to help HIM! (Never mind that’s not quite what he was saying; perception is everything.) But rather than let her anger get anywhere close to out of control, she capped it and left the room. Yes, that left Shaun feeling more disconnected than ever, but the alternative would have been much worse. 

Instead, we picked it up the next morning. By that point Lea had time to cool off… maybe she was having a better time with the nausea (or it hadn’t kicked in yet)... and she’s even come up with a way to help Shaun connect. But not until she gave a voice to some crucial realizations.

LEA: I… feel scared too.

SHAUN: What are you scared of?

LEA: Everything. And I don’t want to go through this alone. I don’t want to go through nine months knowing you view this baby as a medical condition you don’t feel anything for. I’ll resent you. And that scares me more than anything. 

Whoa, RESENT. That was the toughest word for me to hear in this entire episode. “Resent” means feeling bitterness; it turns occasional anger and frustration into something unrelenting, much more difficult to shake. It was the first time this season that my post about real-world struggles for ASD/NT couples truly leaped to mind.

It was wise of Lea to begin this morning-after talk with “I feel scared too.” Even though Shaun never directly spoke to fear the night before, feeling “disconnected” and “alone” adds up to Shaun and Lea not functioning as a team… and that’s what the whole season has been about.

Shaun was finishing up getting dressed for work when this scene began, and I really appreciated the role his everyday plaid shirt played here:

        * As it started, Shaun faced the closet, not turning around until Lea started sharing her own fears. It seemed a protective measure on Shaun’s part; for all we know, these were the first words Lea said to him since their argument.

        * When Lea spoke of connectivity while climbing up on the bed, Shaun immediately began to unbutton that shirt, ready and willing to connect with Lea in the most effortless way possible. 

(Sorry, #Shea fandom, but the allusions to sex were as frequent in this episode as they were unproductive.) 

        * I found it interesting, though, that Shaun left the tails of his shirt untucked as he laid across the bed as casually as we’ve ever seen him do, attempting to “talk” to the #SheaBerry. Unfortunately, humoring Lea when his knowledge overrides it-- yeah, that’s not gonna happen, especially when asked about his feelings outright. 

LEA: (hopeful) Does that make you feel better? To talk to him?

SHAUN: No. The fetus can’t hear any sounds until 18 weeks, and we don’t know if it’s a “him” yet because it doesn’t have fully formed genitals. I will see you at your appointment later. (He gets off bed. Lea looks crushed.)

LEA: I don’t think you should come.

(Shaun was tucking in shirt as he was leaving room, he pauses, looks back at her)

LEA: There’s a chance it’s too early to hear a heartbeat, which will make me sad and scared… and if I can hear it, I will feel happy. And either way, you will probably feel… nothing. And that will make me feel more alone than I already do, so you should just… not come.

SHAUN: (4-second pause) Okay.

Again, I think it’s worth noting that Lea kept her cool here. She could have said these words with voice raised, pacing back and forth, anger even easier for Shaun to detect than the night before-- but she didn’t. Instead, she delivered her request for him NOT to come to the appointment with sad resignation. He’s not getting this, her subtext stated. We’ll try again in the future, but it’s not going to be today.

Subtext isn’t something Shaun picks up often, so he took her “don’t come” at face value… I think. (I thought he exited the bedroom slower than usual, as if trying hard to process Lea’s words and coming up undecided.) The fact that Glassman found Shaun “hiding at the hospital” when he should have been leaving to catch Lea’s appointment (apparently at a different hospital or medical building? Maybe one closer to the loft?) indicates again that Shaun DID realize he should be behaving in a certain way-- in this case, showing up for the appointment regardless of what Lea said-- but fearing how it would go, he tried the classic “I’m needed more here” fallback. 

Do you think he resorted to taking up cases in Glassman’s clinic so that he’d be found out (and sent in the right direction) easier? If he’d simply lingered in the doctor’s lounge doing research, only a chance run-in with Wolke might have nudged him towards Lea’s appointment. Instead, we got another little dose of don’t-do-as-I-did wisdom, courtesy of surrogate Dad. Which surely carried more weight than what anyone else might’ve said, anyway. 

The surprise and relief on Lea’s face when Shaun joined the appointment surely told him he’d make the right decision… and he’d be wise to file that memory for future incidents. Because there are quite likely going to be variations on the tensions we saw this week. If Lea delivers their child, premature or otherwise, the challenges of this relationship will be magnified. If something happens to “Berry” before all that… the challenges of this relationship will be magnified. I’m sure that’s a huge part of why TGD decided to go with this storyline. Less supportive viewers are likely to keep calling Shaun and Lea’s relationship “awkward” as a result, unwilling and/or unable to appreciate the process that leads to payoffs such as we got in “Spilled Milk.”

For not only did we get a whole new interpretation of that line We’re having a baby… both from a rejuvenated Lea AND a newly awakened Shaun… but we got Shaun trying out an even newer sentence on for size:

“I’m the dad.” 

No matter how many different ways we interpret it, those three words ring the same at their core: Informal. Intensely personal. And as intertwined with “the mom” as the hands he rushed to hold once it all hit home for him.

(What did YOU take away from "Spilled Milk"? Hit up the comments to join the conversation!)