If the Gala Performances Could Speak...

Scott and Sandra intimated these Gala Performances are where the skaters express what they have to say now that the Games are nearly over... so I've taken a guess at each skater's respective "script":

From bronze medalist JOANNIE ROCHETTE, in plum backless longsleeves studded with rhinestones, skating to Celine Dion’s “Vole” (Fly): People of Canada, your applause and kind words of love have helped to lift me through a most bewildering time. These Olympic Games will forever be remembered as life at its most bittersweet for me, but I don’t know that I could have gotten through it all without you. Merci avec tout ma coeur.


From silver medalist EVGENY PLUSHENKO, in black with what looks like a red lightingbolt, skating to what I’m told translates to “I’m Sick” in English (?): Come on, you people know who really won the gold, yes? No? Well take that—I was going to show you what a real man can do, but just for that I’ll make it a triple toe loop! And look at this footwork; I don’t ever want to hear again how I don’t try hard enough on footwork. I have passion! I have emotion! I can even emote to lyrics in another language! I…. I… oh, hell. I go home now. See you in Turin… suckas.


From silver medalists DAVIS & WHITE, in t-shirt/jeans (him) and sleeveless deep blue (her), skating to David Cook’s version of ‘Billie Jean”: We COULD come out here and rock the house with a standard-issue MJ tribute, and pose and moonwalk on the ice and all that… but check this out instead. Smokin’ hot? Why yes, we are. Thank you for noticing.


From gold medalist YU-NA KIM, in long-sleeved silver-grey and skating to Masssanet’s Meditation de Thais: I am finally so relaxed, and so pleased that I haven’t let my people down, that I’m going to pop a lutz here in the exhibition just because I can. See? I can do that now. By the way, have I ever told you why I love skating so much? It’s because those 300 members of the South Korean press you’ve heard about are not allowed to come out on the ice while I am on it. Aaaah Breathing room! Maybe they’ll let me skate home from the airport when we fly back in a few days…


From gold medalist EVAN LYSACEK, in his 2008-9 tux outfit, skating to Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue: I wanted to pay homage to the program that, I believe, put me in position to do what I did here in Vancouver… but damn, Scott just gave away my whole story. Thanks a lot, fellow OGM. Heh. Kidding. Like anything could piss me off these days.


From gold medalists VIRTUE & MOIR, in a Canadian hockey jersey and jeans (him) and a black classic ballerina tutu (her) that I was certain was going to become a tearaway tutu at any minute… skating to “Gonna Make You Sweat” (preceded by a little Tchaikovsky): Hey everyone—this Gala thing is usually full of fun, funky performances they love to put on TV, but apparently we’re the only fun and funky ones they’re going to show tonight! Good thing our number is DA BOMB! (By the way, not to rub it in, but this C+C Music Factory song we’re skating to? Came out when we were TODDLERS.)


Six performances and out for NBC tonight. What about Asada? What about Dice-K? Shen and Zhao—heck, ANY pairs? Guess we blame the 4-man bobsled team this time… first gold medal in 62 years SHOULD buy you some decent airtime I suppose. But on the other hand, could’ve gladly watched another performance rather than hear about Canada’s comedy scene… no matter how much I enjoy Mary Carillo…

The Games are winding down, but keep coming back— we’ll keep bringing you more!