Now That They’ve Found Love, Part 3: The Intersection of ASD and Fairy Tale

Words are powerful. When well-chosen, their power magnifies; when used inappropriately, they can metastasize into something quite damning to a conversation… or a document… or social media.

 

Which is why every time I see Shaun and Lea’s relationship described as “toxic,” I’m reminded of the often-quoted Mandy Patinkin-as-Inigo Montoya line from The Princess Bride: “You keep using that word… I do not think it means what you think it means.”

(Quick tip here: Before you seek out Princess Bride memes or GIFs for your next showdown with a Lea-hater, note that the Lea-haters I've witnessed are utterly uninterested in learning about Shaun and Lea's unique characteristics. Consider not engaging with them instead. Seriously. One log won't burn. Off my soapbox I go...)

I tend to think those of us who have been in and/or witnessed a true toxic relationship-- rather than just heard the term batted about in a pop psychology article or two—know at least some of the earmarks like the back of their hand:

 

·         Lack of support

·         Poor communication

·         Disrespect

·         Controlling behavior

·         Resentment

·         Dishonesty

 

They also know any and all of the above is more than an argument, or even a recurring argument. Rather, they are deeply entrenched behaviors and actions that turn a relationship “toxic” over time.  In other words… one angry exchange on a bridge + one alcohol-fueled verbal rant accompanied with a baseball bat does not a toxic relationship make. By definition alone, it simply DOESN'T.

 

But here’s the catch: when one of the two people in a relationship has ASD, the potential for toxicity is significant. The action may not be deliberate, particularly in the case of the one with ASD. But the possibility remains very real.

 

It’s the big picture that we must keep in mind—the one that includes the agonizing #Shea scenes alongside their big finale moment and other greatest hits. The presumption is that Shaun and Lea will grow and mature as their love story develops from here. Autism will continue to light the stage they’re on, though. What vision of love on the spectrum* will TGD viewers ultimately see?

 

(*Love on the Spectrum, by the way, also happens to be the name of a 5-part Australian series about young adults with ASD and their efforts to make romantic connections. It’s currently available on Netflix, and quite interesting… check it out if you can!)

 

--

 

This storyline dives deep into darkness. Now, considering this—why is it that so many in social media have lashed out at Lea for rejection, but excuse Shaun’s misconduct? Because they want their heroes to be all good? Should autism be told as fairytale? 

– from Andreas’ Reddit  A Flawed Hero: The Darkness of Murphy MD

  

I first included Andreas (@AndreasAachen on Twitter, with the awesome, TGD-cribbed tag line Autistic, not blind in his bio) and his lines about autism being told as fairytale when I wrote about the baseball bat scene. And his words stuck with me as I compiled info for this post. Part of the reason for that is something else I learned of via Andreas: Tony Attwood’s book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. Andreas tells me Attwood is a leading authority on the subject, so I took a particular interest in Chapter 13, simply titled “Long Term Relationships.”

A QUICK TERMINOLOGY NOTE: As I understand it, “Asperger’s Syndrome” is becoming an outdated term for high-functioning autism. In fact, the revised editions of Attwood’s book are now called The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder), as ASD is becoming the preferred terminology. TGD hasn’t used “Asperger’s” in any of its three seasons; for accuracy and consistency’s sake, I won’t either.

Here are the points of interest in Attwood’s Chapter 13 that stood out the most for me:

·         “Many women describe their first impression of their partner… as someone who is kind, attentive and slightly immature… speaks his mind… has strong moral convictions (with emphasis on “kind” and “speaks his mind”, you’ve got Lea)… The partner with ASD is usually a late developer in terms of emotional and relationship maturity.” (sounds like Shaun)

 

·         “Men with ASD tend to seek a partner who can compensate for their difficulties in daily life – that is, someone from the other end of the continuum of social and emotional abilities.” (while I don’t think this is a description match for Shaun, I do see Lea in an “other end of the continuum” way where he’s concerned. Elsewhere in the text it makes reference to ASD men seeking partners with “advanced social and maternal abilities”; I see that more in Carly than I do in Lea. For whatever that’s worth.)

 

·         In a sub-division of Chapter 13 entitled “Problems in the Relationship”, Attwood discusses how the ASD/NT (short for Neurotypical) courtship is often quite different than the subsequent marriage in that the ASD partner can acquire “a superficial expertise” in the dating phase that they see unnecessary to continue doing once a certain goal (marriage) is obtained. (I’d argue that plenty of NT partners ALSO become something of a different person once married! But I digress…)

What’s interesting about Shaun and Lea in this scenario is that they’ve almost done this backwards: gotten to know how to live together first (with no real romantic goals in mind), then witnessed how each other functions in romantic relationships (with other people), and THEN, after getting all the initial fears and frustrations out in the open, headed for the “courtship” part of the journey. I’ve got to believe this is the sort of relationship “progression” that will work in their favor, at least for now.

·         But one big thing that gets reiterated in the Attwood text is the sense of loneliness that the NT partner feels increasingly in the relationship… through no real fault of the ASD partner, of course: “The initial optimism that the partner with ASD will gradually change and become more emotionally mature and socially skilled can dissolve into despair that social skills are static due to limited motivation to be more sociable. This can be due to the intellectual effort needed to socialize, subsequent exhaustion, and a fear of making a social mistake.”

Although Shaun has so far proven amenable to a number of social situations—especially when he’s with friends—this could definitely become a sticking point in their relationship if the writers choose to venture down that road. Will Lea seek “going-out time” with Shaun as much as he is likely to seek “staying-in time”? How adversely will it affect him if she puts any pressure on the issue? How adversely will it affect her when multiple nights “staying in” lead to him researching the Case of the Week while she grudgingly cracks open her laptop in silence (because, with an autistic partner, this counts as spending quality time together)?

In other words… you know that early sense of Love will make everything work out that can be felt in the early tremors of troubled relationships? Well, Lea could be deep into that vibe as Season 4 begins, with the “trouble” in this case being those underlying concerns she spelled out late in Season 3. What if she finds that Shaun simply cannot handle her (self-proclaimed) selfish, needy ways over time? How would such disappointment manifest itself in her case?

·         Speaking of the neediness issue: “A metaphor for the need and capacity for affection can be that typical people have a bucket that needs to be filled, whereas people with ASD have a cup that is quickly filled to capacity. The person with ASD may not express sufficient affection to meet the needs of his or her partner. However, I have known of relationships where the partner with ASD expresses affection too frequently… As a man with ASD said: ‘We feel and show affection but not enough and at the wrong intensity.’”

One of the things #Shea ‘shippers love to crow about is how much more Shaun and Lea have (already) clicked physically compared to Shaun and Carly. So while it’s hard to imagine a time when their physical affection quotas could be wildly out of sync… get ready. It’s quite possible.

·         And see if this passage reminds you of anything we’ve brought up this summer: “During times of personal distress, when empathy and words and gestures of affection would be expected as an emotional restorative, the typical partner may be left alone to ‘get over it’. I have noted that this is not a callous act; the partner with ASD is probably very kind, but in his or her mind, the most effective emotional restorative is solitude.”

Cue whatever episodes are to come that present Lea struggling with something, and Shaun struggling to understand why his response (or lack thereof) is making things worse, not better. Think “you never once asked what happened in Hershey…” times 15.

·         To understand this challenge even better: “Being alone is often the main emotional recovery mechanism for people with ASD, and they may assume that is also the case for their partner… I observed a situation where a husband with ASD was sitting next to his wife, who was in tears. He remained still and did not offer any words or gestures of affection. Later, when I discussed this situation with him, and asked if he noticed that his wife was crying, he replied, ‘Yes, but I didn’t want to do the wrong thing.’”

Remember when Shaun realized Lea was crying in the “Hubert” episode, and after she explained why, it looked like he was about to reach out and comfort her… but instead, he reached for the fishbowl and left the apartment? I can almost see the ShaunVision® working to prevent him from doing “the wrong thing”, especially since the platonic boundaries of their relationship had been freshly established. Could he touch her hand? Sit closer? Offer a hug? No, she’s not my girlfriend. And I don’t do those things well anyway. What COULD he do? Be a doctor, and do it as soon as possible. Which is exactly what he did—and in this particular case, it made him Lea’s hero.

·         Before all that went down in the “Hubert” episode, we often look to the post-pet shop scene of Lea gazing directly at their new fish while Shaun sits across the room, finding great satisfaction in reading aloud the water conditioning needs of Hubert’s bowl. “Daddy just expresses his love in a different way,” Lea assured the fish. As most of us have already pointed out from time to time, that line (that whole mini-storyline, really) was a brilliant microcosm of Shaun and Lea’s particular ASD/NT dynamic in action. And Attwood’s words confirm it: “The person with ASD may express his or her love in more practical terms… (they) have difficulties with the communication of emotions, and this includes love. When a partner said to her husband with ASD ‘You never show you care,’ he replied, ‘Well, I fixed the fence, didn’t I?’”

So if at this point you’re somewhere between Damn, did Lea read this Attwood book already? She’s already pegged the danger zones so well… and Good God, is there ANY hope to be had for ASD/NT couples? I feel you.

In fact, Attwood proposes three steps to get such faltering couples on the right track: 1) both partners need to acknowledge the ASD diagnosis of the affected partner (more on this in a minute), 2) both partners need to be motivated to be able to change and learn, and 3) both partners need access to relationship counseling, “modified to accommodate the profile of abilities of the partner with ASD, and a willingness to implement suggestions from specialists in ASD, the relevant literature and support groups.”

I know it’s a lot, and I, too, hope Shaun and Lea get a grace period of (mostly) joy before the challenges start a-flying their way. But they already love each other, so we know that element of the “courtship” is completed. And TGD has already laid the groundwork (via previous difficulties) to test their relationship. We know the storms are coming. We see, via writings such as Attwood’s, that Shaun and Lea’s challenges are well-aligned with reality.

So we’re brought back around to Andreas’ question: Should autism be shown as fairy tale?

You know who that decision will ultimately be left to? The TGD writers. Not the producers in general; not David Shore in specific (unless he’s the one writing a given #Shea episode). Just the writers; the very folks who came up with “I don’t care.. but I care that YOU care”… and the story of Hubert… and all the highs and lows that brought Shaun to say “Lea makes me MORE.” 

How often they want to #Shea to reflect typical ASD/NT love stories… and how often they give Shaun just the right words to save a situation… it’s entirely their call.

Because words are powerful.

(NOTE: I said I'd be getting back to the part about both partners accepting an ASD diagnosis... I was referring to another article on the subject that I planned to touch on here, but didn't... I will get a link to it in the comments at some point. Lots to talk about here; not always lots of time to write!)

(I will likely do more posts on this specific topic in the future.)