Skaters' Resolutions... The True, The False, and the Creepy

Have you made any New Year’s Resolutions yet? Have you broken any already?

I’m pushing the “dream headline” idea back a few days because I noticed that IceNetwork.com is featuring Skaters’ New Year’s Resolutions on its Inside Edge with Sarah and Drew page. Among the more amusing ones:

Jeremy Abbott: To stop swearing in the Kiss and Cry.
(Judging from the way he’s been skating of late, JeremEEE should have no problem keeping this!)

John Coughlin (U.S. pairs skater): To limit my chocolate-milk intake from the Olympic Training Center, as it cannot be good for my health.
(Mmmm… chocolate milk… think of the calcium John, not the calories…)

John Kerr: To 100 percent of the time remember to bring my music to exhibition performances (I forgot to bring it twice this year).
(I’m too busy laughing to come up with anything for this. Sounds like something I’d do.)

Stephanie Kuban (U.S. pairs skater): To start calling my partner by his real name, instead of "Creeps."
(Creeps?!?!)

OK, those are the REAL resolutions…

Which are not to be confused with the FAKE resolutions I’m about to make up for other skaters we know and love…!

Brian Joubert—no more spitting on the ice like he’s Rocky Balboa and it’s round 14. (See Joubert just before his disastrous TEB short program for more details.)

Mukhortova/Trankov—to get to some sort of couples counseling pronto to figure out how to work better together. Or, to beg the Russian Federation to just break them up already and put them out of their misery.

Domnina/Shabalin—to figure out what the point is of being miserable training in the U.S. alongside the top U.S. team when they’re starting to be overshadowed by fellow Russian teams.

Belbin/Agosto—strangely enough, the exact same thing (U.S. version).

Ashley Wagner—to ditch her borderline scandalous, leopard-print free skate dress so as not to distract from her otherwise awesome Spartacus program when Nationals roll around.

Savchenko/Szolkowy—to ditch their SP costumes because they look like they were designed by the Powerpuff Girls. Actually, didn’t I hear Savchenko herself created them? Just the same, COME ON… the only one I know who really appreciated them was my 5-year old daughter, who would have improved upon them with tiaras, fairy wings and sparkly rainbows… if only she knew how!

And speaking of which, the Clip of the Day showcases those pink and purple crimes of fashion as Savchenko and Szolkowy debuted them (I think?) this past summer at Nebelhorn Trophy. At least the skating is good...