Monday, January 12, 2009

If Skating Headlines Were Wishes...

Coming up with some “dream headlines” was harder than I thought… particularly once I decided to shy away from direct skater references, since I just did that with the NY predictions and I didn’t want to be redundant!

But with that said, here are five headlines I’d love to see show up in my Google news alert (along with a little bit of faux “story”, no matter how ridiculous it sounds):

ISU Promises: Dramatic Modifications in CoP to be in Place in Time for Vancouver Olympics

After years of complaints and ceaseless protests, the ISU has finally yielded to skaters and fans alike and has vowed to “re-shape” the Code of Points judging system into something everyone will universally find fair and attainable.

(Also in this “newspaper”: Everlasting Peace in the Middle East, U.S. Recession comes to an Abrupt End, and Doctors Finally Sing the Praises of Donuts.)

Anonymous, Schmononymous: All Skating Judges to Be Held Accountable For Scores, Effective Immediately

If, while attending the next international competition, you see curious looking men and women in trenchcoats, big hats and sunglasses—perhaps in complete disguise, their head obscured by a giant animal head—chances are good you’re seeing members of the judging panel. Starting with Four Continents and carrying on to Worlds 2009 and beyond, skaters will be able to see the representative countries behind each score for the first time in years.

“We don’t know what we were thinking,” confesses ISU President Ottavio Cinquanta…

Warhorse Moratorium Declared: Skaters/Coaches Have 90 Days to Turn Key CDs in to ISU Authorities

In an unprecedented move, The Powers That Be of the figure skating world are now requiring all senior international competitors and their “people” to give up their copies of overused music and find something else to skate to, or risk paying high fines and community service.

The list of “warhorses” includes Bizet’s Carmen, Bernstein’s West Side Story, and much to the surprise of many, the entire Pink Floyd catalog…

Major Network Signs Multi-Year Deal to Air ISU Grand Prix Events and More

A surprise bidding war today for the rights to U.S. Nationals and all international competitions resulted in ABC/ESPN reclaiming the rights they relinquished in 2008.

Rumors circulated almost instantaneously that former (and now future) skating commentator Terry Gannon lobbied the hardest for figure skating’s return, even vowing to boycott all ABC/ESPN college football coverage in the 2009-10 season if he could not cover figure skating again. Gannon could not be reached for comment.

No Sports Reporter Has Lamented the Demise of Figure Skating In Over Two Weeks; Fans of Other Sports Cry Foul, No One Cares

Are they all on vacation? Snowed in without internet access? Suffering from stomach flu?

Whatever it is, football, baseball, and soccer fans across the country are seeing red. “There’s nothing fun to read,” laments one such fan who asked to remain anonymous. “What are we supposed to do, entertain ourselves?”

OK, that’s all I’ve got for now. But speaking of entertaining ourselves, I’ve got a
Clip of the Day that’s sure to please… for it’s not just featuring a warhorse, but a warhorse in the supremely skilled hands of the late, great John Curry.


Aaron said...

Oh wow....

This post is ridiculously brilliant. I love all the headlines...ALL OF THEM!!!!!!

Kelli Lawrence said...

Thanks Aaron... though you'll notice I deliberately steered clear of anything really contraversial! Call them "people pleasing headlines"...